


Enough

by tmaslayme



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Introspection, lumberfamily, ob302
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-26 02:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3833446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmaslayme/pseuds/tmaslayme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're doing the right thing. You make her a target. You're dangerous. Sarah, without Kira and Cal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough

_Now we find Helena and we finish this shit.  
  
_ She could see the concern written all over Siobhan and Felix’s faces, maybe even a little bit of pity too? Kira and Cal were gone and all she could register were the tears in her eyes, the lump in her throat, and the gut wrenching emptiness in her chest. It was for the best, she knew that to be true but it didn’t stop saying goodbye from hurting like hell. Now she was vulnerable in front of her remaining family, something she hated about as much as she hated surprises.   
  
Surprises. Like the one she had been given this morning when Cal showed her and Kira the apartment he’d bought in the city for them. For all three of them to live together in. She hated surprises and yet found herself smiling like an idiot at him when asked if she liked what he had gone and done. The simple yes she had given him in response was tame considering how much her insides had been rolling at the thought of having a permanent place to settle down with her family. It was the happiest she found herself in a long time and she liked it, a lot.   
  
Then all hell broke loose again, because the world seemed to have an alarm go off every time she found herself in some sort of happiness. Art calling about Rudy and Seth had quickly broken the joyful bubble she had created with Cal and Kira playing bloody floor hockey in the living room. It was too normal, too domestic to last and she was more angry at herself than anything for thinking that it could. Leaving them behind to catch up with Art wasn’t something she wanted to do, despite knowing she _had_ to in order to save her sister.   
  
Caught up in the drama of a cloning conspiracy and Castor after God knows what, she should have known how right Siobhan had been. She couldn’t ever live a normal life in the city with Cal and Kira. Her shit was too bloody complicated for that now. She couldn’t just run again though. She’d spent twenty eight years running from her problems, her family, her daughter, and now picked the time to be mature enough to know that that wasn’t going to fix anything. It made her want to cry and scream at the same time. Her sisters needed her to stick around. Her daughter needed her to keep her safe. The two things just couldn’t seem to coincide with each other.   
  
Watching a deranged man point a gun at her daughter for the second time had made her want to vomit or die or burn the world to the ground. All this was happening because of her. She was a danger to her own child, was possibly going to end up with a dead child if she didn’t do something soon. Begging and pleading for him to leave Kira alone was the most desperate and helpless she’d ever felt. She couldn’t go on living if something happened to Kira.   
  
For quite possibly the first time in her life she actually listened to Mrs S. It wasn’t long ago that Cal proposed the three of them take off to Reykjavik and she remembers balking at the suggestion. _Who has people in Iceland?_ Even then she knew she couldn’t just pick up and run away from the shitstorm her life had become. There were too many people counting on her – but that didn’t mean Kira should have her life at risk.   
  
The greatest act of love is sacrifice, right? So she took Cal up on his offer. Take Kira and get far, far away from the danger that she had become. There was nothing she wanted more than to stay as close to her daughter as possible, but it just wasn’t possible anymore. Sitting on the floor of her childhood home, packing her daughter’s things in a backpack like she’d done a short time ago – only this time she knew she didn’t have a bag packed for herself to flee as well. She hugged and kissed Cal and Kira goodbye, willing herself not to cry in front of them. She told Kira they needed to be strong and it was proving near impossible to take her own words to heart.   
  
Watching them walk out the back door and having shut it behind them had her wanting to sink down to the floor and cry. She stood with her back to Siobhan and Felix for several seconds, desperate to gain some composure before facing them again. When she realized it wasn’t going to happen, she turned with tears in her eyes and sniffed. She could barely look at them after registering their expressions, spit out the rough plan she had worked out in her head as fast as she could and took off out of sight.   
  
Still clutching the origami reindeer Kira had handed her as a departing gift, she walked up the stairs and deposited herself in her daughter’s twin size bed. The bed the little girl had slept in for ten months straight because she had been too fucking selfish to be a half decent mother to her kid. In the safe confines of the child’s bedroom she finally let the tears fall, thinking of all the times she had left Kira behind without a second thought. She had left Cal once upon a time too, robbed and broken hearted. Now with them both gone to somewhere safe, she started to realize what it felt like to be the one left behind. The void left in her chest without the two of them ached and swelled.   
  
Rolling onto her side and curling around herself, she clutched Kira’s pillow tightly and inhaled the young girl’s scent. She suddenly found the exhaustion from the last few weeks catching up to her. She needed to sleep – needed to be comforted by dreams of being happy and united with her family again. She needed more than anything to hold on to the knowledge that they _would_ reunite someday. Once everything else was settled she’d finally be with the man and little girl she loved more than anything.   
  
She could give herself this one night to mourn the departure of her family. Then come sunrise she’d pull herself together and set out to find her sister and finish this shit once and for all. It was an easy enough sequence of events to hold onto: get Helena, get to the bottom of an illegal cloning program, get Cal and Kira back. She just had to keep moving forward, and after running nearly all her life she had gotten pretty damn good at the whole moving thing. She could do this. She didn't really have a choice if she ever wanted to see her daughter again.

**Author's Note:**

> I saw you, yeah you, you're breaking down  
> I hope you, yeah you, you come around  
> Now don't you shut this down ooh no don't you give this up  
> I took all this love I found and I hope that it's enough   
> Is it enough?
> 
> If we don't bend then this might break  
> Please don't give into this pain  
> Just keep on counting down the days  
> And dream of me to keep you safe  
> \- "Only Love"


End file.
